Saturday, May 1, 2010
I too "got the Blues"
It has been some time since i have made a post... i think this reflects, more than anything else, the reality of teaching as an emotional, physical and mental drain.
Limp and hungry, i stumble home at various hours of the night and can find no aquifer from which to replenish my energy.
thoughts of writing flicker in my head, ideas for doing romantic things for my girlfriend also come and go, the necessity of cleaning the house and walking the dog make brief appearances in my consciousness... all for naught. The second i step through the door i seek the couch and book or movie; exercise is also far from my decisive thinking which contributes to the downward spiral of energy, desire and motivation.
If the kids are on their game then i am rushing wildly to cover information and get them working; if they are lazy or rebellious it is an equal rush but in the direction of discipline and order; regardless of the students there is always the administration with it's reasonable and unreasonable demands and expectations; this is the daily reality which does not take into consideration graduate school, domestic and interpersonal demands which are as much part of my life.
I find myself 6 grad school assignments behind with only days left to finish them; i find myself at an impasse with my woman who makes no unreasonable requests (be an attentive romantic boyfriend and not a douchebag) which i can only see as unreasonable because anything on top of what i am already doing feels unreasonable (even though it is not); i find myself growing weaker every day, physically and emotionally, because i have not the time or energy to do the things necessary to restore my reserves.
I knew teaching would be hard, especially in the first year, especially when starting 2 months late, especially when you are given no curriculum, especially when you teach 3 grades, especially when your students lie on the entire spectrum of language ability and comprehension, especially when you teach multiple subject all for which you have to find the resources, tools and curricula.... but still, common, a break has to come at some point. Right?