Sunday, May 23, 2010
Fear of the Day
the mountains - my solace - seem so far from my reach that only desperation seeps in along with the fear of never seeing them again...
Fear of the Day
I have no words, I have not been this depressed in a really long time… I did not think a person, who I am not dating, could have such power to make me hate being awake.
The students can make me angry, disappoint me, frustrate me, make me realize my shortcomings as a person and teacher, but I never awake dreading teaching and dealing with them - never!
But the person who is supposed to be there to support me, to teach me, is instead draining the very life blood from my veins.
I always imagined a principal who appreciated different styles of teaching, one to whom only effectiveness is key not the manner of presentation, especially not in the narrow scope of what they believe it should be. I did not think that I would be chosen from among all the teachers at my school to bear the brunt of whatever ails the boss. Everyone has their style and everyone is allowed this… everyone but me. My kids like me, some love me; they are becoming better writers, their English is getting better; they are learning about the realities of the world and how to prepare for it… but it is as though I am doing nothing with them at all because I am not doing it in the way the principal wants.
I admit, I have never been good with authority, but only when I perceived that authority to be incompetent. Here, where I feel and see that she is more than competent, I still cannot manage to get her to understand that I respect her and what she wants for the kids, and that I even listen and try to implement many of her suggestions. I have never had eyes roll in my direction so often, I have never been walked away from so often, I have never been assumed the worst about so often, I have never been treated so impatiently and never have I been treated as though I am a disease – particularly when I am doing so much good.
The kids see the good, should that be all that matters? They are learning, even after all my mistakes, they are learning, shouldn’t that matter?
The problem is that it’s hard for me to show her much because it has come to the point where when she walks into my room, I shut down and begin to operate on a panicked auto-pilot barely aware of what I say and do; so every observation gets worse and worse, whereas my instruction in reality gets better and better because I learn from my mistakes and apply newly learning techniques and ideas… all this she does not see.
And now I’m afraid that the second year, the one where all new teachers are supposed to start finding their groove and really take off, will not be available for me. I fear that I will not be given that chance. I fear that I have stumbled on the one person who does not give a damn about my natural gifts of working with kids and knowing what is important to teach them to make them successful in college – that moral compass which I have learned to pass on came to me by my very own blood and sanity, but I have it, and I teach them how to use it… but no one cares.
You must excuse my lament, but this is a reality of teaching, I suppose as much as the other things I have posted, perhaps no one before has brought this aspect to light, but I needed to, if only in the hope that if I release my fear of not coming back next year then perhaps it will not consume me…
I just want to teach. It is all I have ever wanted to do. I just want to keep doing it – that and be treated fairly and with kindness. Is that too much for a human being to ask of another? One in whose hands my life lays? I guess we’ll see.